Archive for May, 2010


Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , , , , , on May 31, 2010 by abandonata

I never had much of a sense of direction, but in the Slough I have learned to navigate around suicide, substance abuse, self harm and eating disorders. All are easy to fall into, especially in the dark. And each has its own gravitational pull. The closer you get, the harder it is to draw back, but still to everyone else it’s not clear whether you have passed over the eventhorizon or not.

Redshifted, but not yet fallen.


Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , , , , on May 31, 2010 by abandonata

The Slough has many cafes, and I spend a lot of time in the them. Laptop in a cafe, which was once the joyful icon of our working life, is now lifeline, refuge and safe harbour. From the Seattle Coffee Co to this.

Someone else makes food and coffee, so it’s easy to absorb some nourishment with no effort. You can’t easily harm yourself in a cafe – wooden stirrers are no good for slicing arteries. And although you can sit and sob, it’s worth making the effort not to. So I skulk, and write, and sip and wonder – what next?

Square One

Posted in Uncategorized with tags on May 30, 2010 by abandonata

As in, back at. How did that happen? Has all this profited me nothing? Are all paths in the Slough circular?

Up or down?

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , , on May 30, 2010 by abandonata

I have come to somewhere called Turning Point. It seems to be in the deepest part of the Slough, and I’m not quite sure how I got here on a short walk from somewhere that seemed relatively pleasant. There are unseen twists and turns in the paths here and you can never be quite sure where each road leads.

I thought I was on a path that went upwards, but it seems to have been a kind of ski jump – up only to launch me into (or over) the abyss. I was never very good at ski jumping, and it usually ended up as ‘into’. I’d become too complacent, clearly; I wasn’t looking where I was going.

So up or down? I have no enthusiasm for the climb; it’s always easier to go downhill. But where is down, from here?

Reality check

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , , , on May 29, 2010 by abandonata

Re-engagement with real world checklist:

Newspapers – bought since Jan, 2; read, 0

Films – seen since Jan (in cinema), 2: result – after first, shattered, exhausted by effort of concentrating for 2 hrs; after second, dazed but able to hold coherent conversation. Improving, then.

Films – seen on video since Jan, 1 – remembered, 0

TV progs – watched on purpose, real time, since Jan, 0

TV progs – watched in iPlayer since Jan, 5 mins of 1

TV progs – watched on video since Jan, 2 – had to watch both twice; understood, 0

Books – read, all through, not work, since Jan, 2; remembered, 0

Books – written, since Jan, 6; remembered, 0

Books – started (writing), not finished/abandoned, since Jan, 3

Books – commissioned, since Jan, 8; started, 1; finished, 0

Probable number of accepted but forgotten commissions, since Jan, 3

Schroedinger (sans/avec cat) makes a guest appearance

Posted in Uncategorized with tags on May 28, 2010 by abandonata

‘Men and women for whom this world was lit by an unusually bright light of awareness, and who by life and word have, more than others, transformed that work of art we call humanity, testify by speech and writing, or even by their very lives, that more than others they have been torn by the pangs of inner discord. Let this be a consolation to him who also suffers from it. Without it, nothing enduring has ever been begotten.’

What is life?

Playing in the ruins

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , , , , , on May 26, 2010 by abandonata

We reduced the ruins to rubble, talking of building a Rialto from the stones of our Torcello. But the unmagical ordinary is easier – he moved to a pre-fab on terra firma to build with Lego.

So I’ll play my cello on the ruins and regroup, look for the angels in the marble, and fashion something from the beautiful and damned. Slowly.