Archive for June, 2010

Brushes with death

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , on June 28, 2010 by abandonata

Death is stalking the edges of the Slough. Last week saw a false death announcement, the real death of a valued friend and a near miss that has left me as temporary mother to an extra teenager. There is an uneasy sense that these are practice shots or taunts. Once I would have weathered the first and last of these quite easily, but now I am edgy and undermined. The sun shines, but the shadows are all the darker in contrast.

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A question

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , on June 21, 2010 by abandonata

Are revolutionaries generally depressives? What about intrepid explorers? The ‘I-don’t-care-if-I-live-or-die’ feeling seems well suited to doing dangerous acts. Contemplating a holiday in Iraq, but could start a revolution instead. Or a revolution in Iraq, of course.

Deportation

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , , , , on June 18, 2010 by abandonata

That is what this journey is – deportation. Not the modern kind, a quick flight to Baghdad to be robbed, beaten and probably later killed, but the old kind: four or five months chained in darkness and despair crossing rough seas, and the chance (if not dead on arrival) to carve a new life in a savage landscape. Carve some kind of a life, while shackled and equipped only with ragged fingernails and broken spirit. In an untamed land that just might be studded with jewel-bright birds and sparkling with waterfalls. Or might, again, be full of treacherous chasms and Black Widows.

But I have more time in my hammock yet before we touch land; pass another weevil-ridden biscuit.

Deadly silence

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , , on June 18, 2010 by abandonata

All the words unsaid spilled into the Slough. Not all of them unsaid by me. Things unsaid to avoid harm – unsaid to skirt around the impossible choice: which love to betray, which to taint with betrayal of the other. They lie all around, like rainwater caught in buckets. The roof leaks and more words drip in. They spill easily, and I slip on the pools of them, all too often.

Neglecting the starving

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , , on June 16, 2010 by abandonata

A good measure of my state of mind is whether I delete the reminders from The Hunger Site without bothering to do my clicking duties.

Of course, if I wanted to combat starvation I’d have something to eat. Charity begins at home, in the kitchen.

Now have joint pains, and am threatened with bone-density checks. The pain is interesting, in the way that pain only can be when it is a useful distraction from something worse. I am joining the other dispassionate observers of my disintegration and I have a ringside seat. Bring on the lions, it’s not exciting enough.

15 and counting

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , on June 15, 2010 by abandonata

She made it to 15, when she so very nearly didn’t. That is a rope ladder out of the Slough, just as the ‘nearly didn’t’ helped pushed me in. But to climb the ladder I have to leave a lot behind and pack the rest compactly.

The night of counting every breath, hour after hour, holding my breath to see hers, dreading the long bleep and the flat line, and all the other unspeakable terrors that should never have to be lived through – they need to be packed small. Not forgotten, not left behind, but packed into a small corner of the bag I can carry out. Sometimes they will spring back, unconcertina-ing themselves to their huge and terrible size, but I must learn how to fold them, and pack them, and carry them, and re-fold them when they spring up.

It must be a small package, when folded, as there is much else to fit in this bag.

Season ticket

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , on June 13, 2010 by abandonata

I seem to be allowed more short trips out of the Slough. The tickets are expensive, the price often exacted in more intensive Slough-work for a few days when I get back.

I wonder if it’s possible to get a season ticket to make the trips cheaper?