Body count

Time for annual accounting in the Slough. My Slough tax year runs October to October. I don’t want to submit my return late in case they exact an even greater toll.

Losses, roughly in order, of the last year:
Smaller daughter’s sanity and health
Nearly, smaller daughter’s life – so nearly
Love of my life, so loved
The future
Naive belief in general goodness of people
Hope
Will to live
Nearly, but not so nearly, larger daughter’s life
Confidence
One good friend (to cowardice) – was my rock, but he crumbled
Two good friends (to death)
Scales from eyes

Gains, roughly in order, of the last year:
Triumph of older daughter, becoming a wonderful adult
Friends – many and glorious, loyal and loving
Chance to rebuild relationship with and for smaller daughter, free of her demon of depression
Wisdom
Perspective
Cynicism
Splinter of ice

Net loss: immeasurable
Net gain: immeasurable

Self-assessment of tax owed: All debts paid in full, nothing owing from former tax years. Can I go now, please? No – didn’t think so.

A word from PD James

‘There is also what Graham Greene called the splinter of ice in the heart… With some of the most difficult things that have happened in my life, part of me stands aside and watches me deal with it. In that sense my life has been a continual narrative.’